


Make It Okay

by wechoosewhatwearesammy



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: 2009 Era (Phandom), Angst, Coming Out, Cute Dan Howell/Phil Lester, Gen, Homophobic Language, M/M, Mentioned Louise Pentland, Phan - Freeform, Self-Esteem Issues, Sexuality, Sexuality Crisis, Soft Boys, but very very little, dan/phil is endgame, fluff will happen
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-11-10
Updated: 2020-11-20
Packaged: 2021-03-09 00:29:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 2,761
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27495751
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wechoosewhatwearesammy/pseuds/wechoosewhatwearesammy
Summary: Dan didn't know what he was exactly, but he realized that the warmth that spread through his chest whenever he talked to Phil wasn’t the normal kind of feeling one would have for their best friend.An ongoing fic where Dan tries to accept what he really wants, but it's a lot harder that he expected.
Relationships: Dan Howell/Phil Lester
Comments: 3
Kudos: 15





	1. Something Weak

Dan was on the train, heading home after visiting Phil. Calling the house he grew up in his “home” felt strange now. That house didn’t feel safe or comforting or relaxing in the least bit. How can you possibly let your guard down when you know your family hates everything about you? Of course, they didn’t exactly know they hated him. They just hated all the parts of Dan that he kept hidden. He knew he was probably being overdramatic. It wasn’t like they were yelling at _him_ or calling _him_ names. Just….all the little hateful comments about anyone that his father thought had the slightest possibility of being gay. Or the way he called anyone he didn’t like a “faggot”. He huffed out a sigh, watching disconnectedly as the window fogged up. They had no idea they were hurting him. His family didn’t know, couldn’t know about that part of Dan’s life. The part he couldn’t exactly put a name to, whether out of uncertainty or fear, who knows.

He did know he wasn’t straight. Well... not exactly. He didn’t know what he was exactly, but he realized that the warmth that spread through his chest whenever he talked to Phil wasn’t the normal kind of feeling one would have for their best friend. Talking to Phil - now that felt like coming home. He was finally able to release the tension in his chest, if only for a bit, while Phil went on about some clumsy awkward encounter he’d had at uni. Without realizing, the corner of his mouth quirked up, just the tiniest bit at the memory.

The train had finally reached his stop, and Dan could feel the anxious knot already forming in his belly as he grabbed his bag and got off. It was a short walk to his house, but it felt much bigger, more serious. He was walking away from light, and comfort and warmth, and straight into the cold, empty darkness. He shook his head, thinking how ridiculously dramatic that sounded, even to himself. He stood at the door for far too long, hand on the knob. Sighing softly, he fixed a small smile to his face and went in.

“Dan?” his mum called from the direction of the kitchen. “That you?”

“Yeah” he called back. He’d been hoping that the house would be empty when he got there.

“Listen Dan, sorry to rush off, but I’ve got to get to work. Dinner’s in the fridge. Dad will be home…..” she sighs, “whenever he gets home”

“Okay” Dan nods, allowing his mum to give him a peck on the cheek before she grabbed her jacket and left.

Alone. Dan had been counting down the hours, minutes even until he could finally be alone. Still, he sighed at the tinge of loneliness. He slowly made his way upstairs. As soon as he threw his backpack on his bed, he got on his computer to sign into Skype. No one he knew was on, not yet anyway. But at least he had _one_ thing to look forward to.


	2. Oh Take A Chance

3 months earlier....

“What?”

Dan was laid on his bed, his legs hanging off, pillow scrunched under him, facing the computer screen. He had been nearly asleep, it being close 3 in the morning. But now he sat up, fully awake now.

“I said, do you wanna come visit me?” Phil paused, biting his lip as Dan’s silence went on for far too long. “I mean, only if you want to. You don’t have to. It was just an idea. I just thought that we could….but you obviously don’t want to, and that’s fine and I -”

“Why?” Dan cut off Phil’s semi-panicked rambling.

“What d’ya mean?” Phil’s confused face stared at him from the screen.

“Why do you want me to visit?” Dan said softly. Phil still looked like Dan was speaking Greek, so he continued, “I mean, I do. I would. I want to visit you. But why do you want me to visit? I’m not very interesting in person. What would you get out of it?”

“Get out of it?” The lights had finally come on in Phil’s eyes, and now he chuckled. “ I dunno. I like being around you. Can’t I just want more of your company?”

Dan was quiet for a moment, thinking. “Nobody likes being around me. I am literally a gray cloud in everyone’s day. They tolerate me, at best.”

“No, I mean it, Dan. I just feel happier when we’re Skyping.”

An uncomfortable prickly feeling came over Dan. His gut, his past experiences told him that this was a trap of some kind. A way to prank him, or to get him alone and hurt him. Every fiber of his being screamed at him to not do this. But a very small, very quiet part of his brain was telling him that Phil was safe. That Phil was too nice to do that, that if he had planned to hurt Dan, he definitely would have done months ago. But more than anything, he just wanted to be close to Phil. Even if things went wrong, he just wanted to be near the only person who had ever actually cared about him, to know that he was a real person and this wasn’t some kind of elaborate hallucination.

“Dan?” Phil voice was soft, wanting to prompt an answer, but not wanting to startle him.

“Okay” Dan nodded, cheeks reddening as he quickly logged off.

Phil sat staring at his screen, wondering if he’d been wrong about Dan.


	3. Sucker Punch

The plans had been set weeks ago now. He was to leave tomorrow morning, and he had never been so nervous in his entire life. Nervous, but also excited. He was really going to meet Phil. In person. In real life. This was really happening. It still sort of felt like a dream, like he’d wake up any second and realize that the whole thing has just been his overactive imagination. 

But no, Phil was real. His beautiful blue eyes, and pale skin had been in his mind and on his laptop screen many, many times. Not to mention the late night phone calls. The surprisingly low voice. A thrill ran through him just thinking about it now. Everything about Phil was just so perfect. He was smart, ridiculously good looking, funny. Everything Dan , - anyone- could ever want. This last thought reminded him of the conversation he’d had last week, and he bit into his bottom lip, a bit too hard.

_He’d been walking to school next to Louise. They weren't particularly close, but she was the closest thing Dan had to a friend (besides Phil). Probably more of an acquaintance really, Dan never understood the difference. She and Dan always chatted about the weather, classes, whatever was going on in their lives, but they tended to not get too deep about their feelings. Dan had been telling her a little about his friendship with Phil, and how Phil had asked him to visit when she stopped cold, grabbing his forearm to stop him as well._

_"He wants you to visit him?" she gaped._

_"Yeah" Dan gave her a strange look._

_"In person?"_

_"Yeah.... I literally just said that, Louise, keep up" he jokingly snapped his fingers in front of her face._

_"And he just casually mentioned his parents weren't going to be there?"_

_"....Yeah? "_

_"Hmm" , she said with a raised eyebrow._

_"Hmm what? " Dan tried to keep the confusion off his face. He felt as though there was some joke he hadn't been in on, and it made him a little defensive._

_"Oh, I dunno....I just think it's interesting that a grown man is paying for your train ticket, so you two can 'hang out'. Alone. In his house." She gave a sly smile._

_"What are you trying to get at, Lou? Just spit it out" This was already more detailed that Dan was comfortable with. They were veering dangerously close to an actual deep conversation._

_"Come on, Dan. Even you aren't that naïve." She held out her hands toward him, imploring him to piece it all together. When Louise saw that his mind refused to do so, she continued, "Seriously, Dan. Don't you see that he wants to hook up? "_

_"Pssh" Dan made a face, as if to say how crazy the idea was. Still, he had a prickly feeling in his stomach as he turned to keep walking up the hill to school. Louise laughed loudly, and jogged lightly to catch up._

_"Dan" She tried to get in front of him so he'd have to stop walking. Dan, however, had the advantage of a much longer stride, and for once he was grateful for his awkwardly giant legs._

_"Dan, please" The soft pleading in her voice persuaded him to turn and look her in the eye, letting out an exasperated sigh. He was feeling hurt, and couldn't quite pinpoint why._

_"Look Dan. I've .... I've seen the way you flirt with Phil online. You're probably just joking around, but...does he know you're joking? It seems like you are throwing yourself at him, like...this is a normal, casual thing for you. Like a...well, like you shag anything with two legs." She winced at her own wording but continued on, "I'm just worried about you. About what Phil's expectations are for your visit."_

_Dan wanted to be mad. He really did, but there was a little nagging voice at the back of his mind._

_"You think Phil invited me to visit, and paid for my ticket just so he could have sex." He wanted to run away, but he needed to hear this. "With me."_

_"Well...." It was Louise's turn to look deeply uncomfortable. "Why else would a man, an actual grown man, want a 17 year old to visit him so desperately?"_

_"No. Phil..." he huffed out a mirthless laugh. "Phil isn't like that"_

_"Honey, they're all like that"_

_***_

At the time, Dan had been incredulous. Phil wasn't like that. Not at all. Admittedly, Dan did present himself as very confidently flirty online, forward even. Maybe he had given Phil the wrong idea. It's not like Dan hadn't thought about Phil in that way. In fact, he had done so quite often in the cover of dark, a hand down his pants. But he had thought that Phil had genuinely enjoyed his company, and wanted to be his friend. A true best friend, someone who he could truly always be himself around. Which is something Dan had always longingly ached for. And Phil was that, wasn't he? Yeah, they traded flirty banter, but they also had long conversations until the wee hours of the morning. Talking for hours about their dreams, their fears, and the silly thoughts that popped up randomly when you've been awake for far too long. Yeah. Of course, Phil was his friend. He shook his head, of course Phil was his friend. 

And yet....He couldn't quite get rid of the anxious knot in his stomach. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments and kudos are the best fuel for writers!


	4. Do I Wanna Know?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tw: dissociative episode

That night, the knot in his stomach refused to loosen. He put on some music, which was usually a good distraction. He was pacing his room, duffel bag open on the bed. Despite his intention to pack, it'd been hours and it still lay empty. Dan didn't get on Skype to wait for Phil as he normally would. Somehow, the idea of seeing Phil's face right now left him feeling all too vulnerable. He sat on his bed, and took a deep breath in an attempt to soothe the strange ache in his chest. As he tried and failed to calm his mind, his left leg started bouncing with nervous energy. 

"This is pointless" he sighed to himself, getting back up to pace.

His cellphone rang on his nightstand. Dan didn't have to pick it up to know who was calling. Glancing at the clock, he chewed his bottom lip. It was after midnight, long after he normally got on Skype. He debated answering, stomach doing a funny flip. The phone went quiet just as he reached for it. He sat on the bed heavily, sighing in a mixture of relief and longing. Not a full minute later, the phone rang again. _Phil must be worried_ , he thought with a pang. Still, Dan hesitated before picking up.

"Hel-" Dan's voice came out as whisper, and he cleared his throat. "Hello?"

"Dan? oh my gosh, is everything okay?" Phil was loud, words smashed together, making Dan wince at the slight panic in Phil's voice. 

"Yeah. No, I'm . . . I'm alright" Dan felt weirdly disconnected from this whole thing. It was like he was watching himself talking to Phil. It didn't feel real. 

"I got worried when you never got online." Phil paused. Dan tried to read the emotion in Phil's voice. 

"Yeah, I just...." He looked around, as if in slow motion. "I was trying to pack". 

"I thought..." Phil let out a little huff, an aborted laugh. "I thought you had changed your mind."

"No, just packing" Dan tried to inject some warmth, humor, something - anything- less mechanical sounding. 

"D'ya wanna talk or...should I let you go so you can finish packing?" Phil sounded hesitant, unsure.

Dan could tell that Phil knew something was up. _God, why can't I just be normal for five fucking seconds?_ He went back and forth in his mind, should he tell Phil? Phil knew about his depression and anxiety but Dan had never talked to him in depth about it. And the reason behind his anxiety - how do you even broach that subject? But maybe he could sort of ask around the subject....

"Um, no. I....actually I wanted to ask you something"

"Yeah, of course. Anything." Phil said, voice still a bit confused. 

"We've been kinda flirty, and.... and more than that at times." Dan said slowly, thinking of all the nights they'd whispered in the dark things they could never say in the daytime. 

"Yeah?" Phil encouraged him to continue. 

"Well, I dunno.....I'm just trying to figure out what to expect when we actually meet."

"Is that it? You're worried that I don't like you as much as it seems like online?"

"Well, yeah" Dan said, glad that Phil had figured it out without him having to spell it out for him. 

"Oh Dan....you don't have to worry about that." Phil said softly, almost fondly. "I've told you before how pretty you are"

"Well yeah, but I just - "

"You never have to worry about that, okay? You are unbelievably attractive."

Dan made a sort of gasp/choked noise which Phil took as encouragement to continue. 

"I cannot wait to see you tomorrow. I feel like I'm practically jumping out of my skin with all this waiting. Remember all those things I said I wanted to do to you?" Phil's voice went lower, intentionally seductive. "I can't wait to make them come true"

Dan sighed softly, not sure what to say. He was feeling very conflicted. On the one hand, it was an incredible turn on to hear his crush say such things to him. But on the other hand, it confirmed his fear. Phil was definitely more interested in the sex side of things. Dan gently chewed his bottom lip. He had hoped that he would have that friend, a true best friend who could understand him, and accept him as he is. A friend he would never have to pretend with. But then again ....Dan had been the one to start the all the flirting and innuendos. Huffing out a mirthless chuckle, he chided himself. Why was he complaining? Phil was an amazing guy, and incredibly hot. Dan had been infatuated with him ever since he'd first seen his videos. He was lucky Phil talked to him at all - he really was nobody special. So if his looks had gotten Phil to pay attention to him, well....Dan would have to take what he could get. He inhaled deeply, trying to shake off the self conscious feelings. He should be over the moon that Phil wanted him in that way - in any way at all. And he was determined to push all the other feelings down. 

"Dan?" Phil interrupted his thoughts. "You okay? You're awfully quiet". 

Dan cleared his throat, steeling his voice. "Just a bit overwhelmed....thinking of all those things actually happening"

Phil let out a small hum of agreement. 

If Phil only wanted him for one thing, Dan was determined to make it unforgettable. 


End file.
